No one likes to admit they’ve been “duped.” It’s embarrassing. You may even feel stupid.

In truth, as Abby Ellin writes in her book, Double Lives, False Identities, and the Con Man I Almost Married, it’s often the most intelligent people who fall victim to manipulation. Smart people are often duped because they think they’re smart enough to avoid deception. Intelligent people can have willful blindness, ignoring gut instincts and giving people and situations the benefit of the doubt.

Abby knows this feeling all to well after she discovered her fiance was not even close to the man she thought he was. His deception was a key reason she decided to write the book.

The deception in people’s lives isn’t limited to romantic relationships. Jobs, organizations, families and communities can all be duplicitous.

The psychological trauma that results can be debilitating. You won’t see bruises or welts, but it is definitely a trauma. It has taken Abby a long time to start to trust again, and she is still very, very wary of anyone — even those close to her. She tends to take the approach of “verify, but don’t trust.”

Of course, there’s no way we can live in a world without lies. In fact, Abby finds value in the little white lie, because it’s often just as psychologically damaging to live in a harsh reality. We need to have some kind of wonder in our lives.

It’s the lies that really hurt people that Abby wants you to watch out for. Your body knows when something is awry, so listen to it. Pick up on cues. Don’t blindly trust, even if it means you will have to upend your life to recognize the truth.

After experiencing distrust in both personal and work relationships, this conversation really helped me put it all into perspective–and has given me tools to move forward.