There are a few pretty big apologies going on in our world right now.

Pepsi, United Airlines and a certain Press Secretary have all created some major snafus in the last few weeks.

How do you think they handled it? Ace or fail?

While those are very large-scale cases, we might be able to learn from example in terms of not “mucking up” our own apologies. If not from those entities, than certainly with the help of Harriet Lerner, PhD, one of America’s most respected relationship experts and author of Why Won’t You Apologize?

Dr. Lerner recently joined HER Radio host, Dr. Pam Peeke, to provide insight on the art of apology. She believes the two most powerful words in the English language are “I’m sorry.” But, she also knows the words aren’t enough.

For example, you can ruin an apology in short order by qualifying it with a “but,” as in “I’m sorry, but I was only reacting to what you’d said.”

Another way to ruin a sorry is apologizing for the other person’s feelings or reactions, rather than your own behavior. “I’m sorry if what I said made you feel…” You have to be accountable. Using a grand gesture to say you’re sorry means nothing if you keep repeating the bad behavior. And, “I’m sorry” cannot be your way out of a conversation, simply because you want to end the interaction. No apology will have meaning unless you truly listen to the offended person’s pain.

Some people are just bad at saying sorry, for various reasons that Dr. Lerner goes into during the interview.

What I want to make sure I include in this blog, though, is the concept of forgiveness. Some people will say, “You have to forgive or you’ll never be able to move on.”

Dr. Lerner disagrees, at least in certain situations. That approach assumes forgiveness is the only path to healing, when in reality, there are other ways to deal with the hurt and avoid the cost of denying your legitimate anger by rushing into forgiveness you’re just not ready to give.

The key is calming your reactive brain and essentially distracting yourself from ruminating on the negative feelings you’re experiencing. Therapy, exercise, music, gardening, getting together with friends… or any way you can foster a release from the hurt is beneficial.

Maybe you’ll offer forgiveness at some point, and maybe you won’t. That’s completely up to you.

Same drill as usual… if you want to take a listen to the episode, CLICK HERE.